No Swine Flu on Felching Day

Yakov Litzman
Deputy Health Minister
State of Israel

Dear MK Litzman,

It's always very exciting to see a nation incorporate religious values into public policy. That's why I stood up and cheered the news that you had officially changed the name of the decidedly non-kosher swine flu to the much more rabbinically-correct Mexican flu. My G_d, the very thought that you or someone you love could succumb such an unclean disease must have stricken you with terror, the kind of terror we Americans can only understand when we compare it to the threat of the unintentional double entendre.

And that's why I'm writing you. Recently, true Americans, Christian Americans, like myself gathered to protest an unease of indeterminate origin that now blankets the American Heartland (OK, we know the origin of the unease, but we aren't racists, dammit). We called our protests "teabagging" parties because we were going to re-enact the Boston tea party by littering the street with tea bags. Unfortunately, our protests were met with derision and laughter because, unbeknownst to us, teabagging is a kind of sexual act involving the sucking of a mans grenades. 

We are offended by any act that involves the sucking of a man's grenades in the same way that contracting something as non-kosher as the swine flu offends you. That presents us with a problem. How do we continue teabagging without risking being labeled as teabaggers?

Well, I think you can help us with that. We're hoping that you can use your influence to convince our government to officially change the name for tea bags. I've already found the perfect replacement name, one that is evocative of the sound a teabag makes as it is dipped and retrieved from a cup of water--we'll call them tea felchers.

We've already scheduled the next Felching Day for the Fourth of July, so we're going to need you to give the Department of Commerce a call right away. It's important that Commerce establish the felching brand as soon as possible.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot