Don't you wish that criminals were sentenced according to the existential threat they posed? That way, an African American teenager selling weed on the corner would get tutoring, and Michael Cohen (who effectively shaped the course of history) would get 1,000,000 years, or the Apocalypse, whichever comes first.
Don't you wish cats lived longer? Like, 25 years instead of 15? My parrot Decibel lived to be 29, and that seemed like a nice run of time. I hate burying a wonderful cat after a decade and a half, or less.
Don't you wish you could get your loved ones what they really deserved for the holidays? The Heir is about to turn 30. She spends her Sunday mornings picking up used syringes in a drug neighborhood, and handing out food and clean needles. The least I could do would be send her on a nice vacation, maybe a nice cross-country jaunt to all the big national parks she's never seen.
Don't you wish that the "urge to merge" was a little ... emmmm ... less in young people? Asking for a friend.
Don't you wish Jesus would come? It would ease the crowding, at least.
Don't you wish blue collar workers got the respect they deserve? I don't call a college professor when my pipes burst.
Don't you wish politicians (and even Supreme Court judges) weren't sold in commercials like breakfast cereal? Seriously! Brett Kavanaugh in one segment, Fruity Pebbles in another. Which brings me to ...
Don't you wish the pharmaceutical industry had never been allowed to make commercials? Or to bribe doctors to prescribe stuff? Medicine isn't the same as Fruity Pebbles or a wristwatch.
Don't you wish more people would suddenly care about what happens to the planet after they die? Like, especially people making bank on fossil fuels?
Don't you wish for campaign finance reform?
Don't you wish the Eagles would repeat as Super Bowl champions? Asking for a daughter.
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