Anticipation

It's early morning and the house is empty again. Emma has gone back to school after a holiday weekend. Upon waking, there is a blurry moment when I think she is there, up two stairs and around a corner and then... realization. I am sad for a moment and then I am... pleased? content? There is a feeling that settles over the house, over me that I can't quite name. After many years of essentially living the same day over and over, I awake with a new excitement. What will today bring? Where before there was a schedule bookended by carpool runs, there is now variety, flexibility, spontaneity and...anticipation. I think that is what I'm feeling.

There is a stillness in my soul when I make space in my day for it, when I sit in the quiet alone with my thoughts. For awhile I've not had room for it and now that it is here I could weep with relief. My brain is beginning to settle down. The constant swirl of to do's fading away, leaving space for dreams and creativity.

I'm just now discovering how vital that stillness is for my survival. I want to protect this quiet peace, to keep a firm grasp on it and not let go again. I don't want to feel untethered to the core of who I am, lost in the demands of life, wholly swallowed up until there is not a lot left behind.

I feel I am on the precipice of discovery. I can look back on my life to this point and see the events that have changed me and caused me to grow and expand and I have no doubt that this is one of them. At a time when, perhaps I could be looking back at all that was and what is lost, instead I am looking forward with great eagerness at what comes next.