Gone.

I have tried to think of something that isn’t political to post on my blog, but I’m hard pressed to think of something non-political right now. I have been visiting two gay themed blogs lately and over the course of several days my anxiety has risen to a level that is very palpable. Since Bush won the election and those eleven states voted to ban gay marriage I have been losing sleep. My first nights post-election were filled with dreams of me, my partner and all my gay friends being taken away to some place and we were never seen again. My partner (AKA “M.”) thinks I’m being overly dramatic, but for some reason in my heart of hearts I don’t think so.

A few weeks later my anxiety turned into a deep anger. Most of my straight friends would ask me “What’s wrong?” I wanted to say to them, “Wake up and smell the babka, you fools! My days are numbered in this country!” But I never do. I just say that I’m not feeling well. After all, what did any straight person have to loose in this election? OK, maybe I’m being short sighted by saying that, but this is how I feel right now. I’m sure my feelings will change eventually.

The month of November my anger mutated into defensiveness. I wanted to get a gun and protect my friends, my family and myself from all those nuts out there that want to harm me. I had visions of me being Neo from the “Matrix” and kicking ass. They certainly aren’t going to take me without a fight. I’d rather be dead than suffer under some tyrannical government. I won’t be spending my life in some concentration camp waiting to die. But that can’t happen, right? Right? After I voiced my delusions of violence and mayhem to M, he said that he would never allow a gun to be in our house. With that said, I calmed down a bit and thought that things were going to be fine. But now I have that pang of worry in my mind again. If I can’t defend myself what else can I do? Leave. If this amendment is passed that is my only recourse.

Leaving this country is not a decision I take lightly. I am an only child and I’m my mother’s only living relative. So it would be difficult to leave her. However, I already had this conversation with her, and she understands why I would leave. This too, means that I would leave my friends who I have encountered during my life. I love them all as if they are my family, but I love myself more. I came home to M and I asked him what he would do if the amendment got passed? He said that it wouldn’t happen and not to worry. I pressed him on this issue and said what if it really did happen? He said that he would stay and fight. I said to him that that would be pointless and consider the other option. Leave. I know this is quite chilling to him because he has friends and family that he cares about also.

Now I know some of you who are reading this will think, “Well, what about your blog post last week? Why the change all of a sudden?” If this amendment isn’t passed, then yes we should stay and fight the good fight. However, if it is— why should I bother to stay? I’m an honest, decent, hard-working person. I pay taxes (more than my fair share) and I love this country even with all its flaws. But that doesn’t matter when there are so many people out there that hate me for who I am. With that hatred being supported by federal, state and local governments, why would I want to stay? My grandfather and his father suffered under the same kind of treatment in the south during the years of segregation. They endured the hatred and racism even though both of them served in the military and were upstanding citizens of this country. They stayed because they knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel. But for me, I’m not so sure. I don’t have faith in people anymore… how can I when so many of my fellow countrymen supported Bush and his cronies this year?

So if this amendment is passed, I’m gone. It pains me to think like this, but those people who believe in ‘family values’ (hypocrites) and have ‘morals’ (hate-mongers) have left me no choice. From my point of view, Canada is looking pretty good right now.

Nuff said