There is no escape

Our principal has this theory that piping in music over the intercom will mellow out our kids enough to prevent them from shooting each other. He doesn't pipe it into the classrooms, just the hallways and the cafeteria. At first I didn't mind. It was benign jazz, not too noticeable, and it was drowned out anyway by the fact that my classroom is located directly ustairs from the band room.

Then they started playing more adult contemporary music. Our school population is mostly Latino teenagers. The adults are mostly in their 20s. But we were suddenly listening to songs that only appeal to 40-year-old white suburban housewives who drive unecessary SUVs to Wholefoods for pulp-free Florida orange juice. Seriously, aside from John C. McGinley, who listens to Michael Bolton?

This morning it got worse. They're now playing Christmas music all day. Nothing else. Is that legal? I mean, granted, aside from our one Muslim and one Seventh-Day Adventist, I'm pretty sure our kids are all Catholic. But some of our teachers are Jewish, and it's the principle of the thing. Church music at a public school?

I might not mind so much if they just played something by the Muppets.

Most of the songs have been of the "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" caliber. Is it wrong that these songs make me feel like shopping? What does that say about the meaning of Christmas?

They also remind me of my four years in school when I worked at Boston Market. I could never escape "Sleigh Ride". There are thirty thousand versions of that song and it seemed like the radio people would save them all up to play while I mopped the floor, just to give me extra incentive to get the hell out of there. I will always thank my friend Katie for the mixed tape she made to drown out the cheery holiday cheesiness. Maybe now as I'm forced to hear "Sleigh Ride" for the second time this morning, I can replace it in my head with "Joey" like I did when I was a teenager.